Dating: Summed Up In One Craigslist Ad

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[Lonely People]
Ever wonder what kind of women are *really* out there? What if someone posted a truly honest personal ad?

Alluring, difficult woman seeks stable and assertive man

Date: 2007-05-21, 10:39AM EDT

I am in search of a patient, assertive, and attractive man to aid me in my quest for self-improvement. These qualities are non-negotiable and the explanation is as follows.

After two intense failed relationships, {both which, in retrospect, were almost completely my fault but I was able to successfully manipulate things so as to make each man believe they were in the wrong} I have spent a lot of time thinking about who I am and I have isolated several personality traits that make it somewhat difficult for a normal person to have a relationship with me. I am looking for a man who is secure enough in himself to tolerate our exciting lifestyle {a background or degree in psychology is a plus.} I am determined to find a healthier way of approaching things, as I never want to ruin anyone's life ever again.

I have decided to be completely honest right off the bat, therefor eliminating the time it takes to 'get to know one another' {i.e. time it takes for you to realize I am a complete psycho- but by then you are completely helpless to resist my allure and charisma and are unable to wrench yourself from me, your beautiful demise.}

Some things you should know:

*I have a major 'Daddy' complex. My father, whom I adored as a god, left when I was young. No matter how well you treat me, you will never be as good of a man as my Daddy.

*I will never trust you. The first of two men I thought I loved and slept with cheated on me time and time again, and impregnated other women and paid for their abortions with my money. I did not find any of this out until two years into our relationship when we had a home and a life together and I was pregnant with a child of my own. These indiscretions, and my tendency to be rash and impulsive led to me having an abortion. I am prone to bouts of melancholy and self-hatred because of the guilt I still feel over this decision.

*I have no communication skills. I will never tell you what is wrong with me, nor will I share any of my secrets, fears, hopes or dreams with you. {I do have several of these- one of them is to someday not be so crazy.} You will have to pry information out of me. I feel like if I confide in you, when I ultimately drive you away- which I am bound to do- you will have these personal pieces of me and that makes me feel vulnerable and I am terrified of being vulnerable.

*I have an addictive personality. I was a crack addict when I was 15-16, and relapsed again when I was 18. I like to think I have conquered these addictions but it wouldn't surprise me if I relapsed again.

*I am a cold and unemotional bitch. This, of course, is all a facade, but you will constantly wonder if I truly care about you or not. If you do not pay me 100% of your attention, I will feel rejected and inwardly wonder why you do not love me. Then I will pretend that you are nothing more to me than a mote of dust- which of course I do not notice. If you pay me too much attention I will feel cagey and suffocated and walk out the door without telling you where I am going and may not return for several days. No matter how long we are together, you will never see me cry. I am a brick wall.

**CLARIFICATION**- About once every five months I will cry over my vacuumed fetus but when this happens I will lock myself in the smallest possible space I can find so you cannot see me. This is usually a closet or a bathroom, although I was partial to a large trunk I owned until someone confiscated it with my best interests in mind.

*Although I will always be completely faithful to you, I will have no less than five men in line who are able and willing to keep me platonic company if you ever need to leave for any reason. This is because I cannot bear to be alone, even though I pretend that that is all I want.

*I am terrified of commitment. Know that I will never marry you, or if in a moment of confusion I do agree to marry you, I will not show up on our wedding day.

*I have some sexual preferences that some people may not be able to handle. I want sex several times a day and I like to be hit, choked, and called nasty names. Please be comfortable with such abuse.

* I am incredibly indecisive. I do not know what I want to eat, wear, or do at any given time. Once we have reached a decision I will change my mind. I am also extremely scatterbrained and lose my keys, phone, wallet, etc. on a regular basis. I will expect you to be able to locate these items. I am also very impatient and want what I want when I want it, with no regards to your feelings.

*I throw punches when I feel cornered. I kickbox, so they are good punches.

Now that that is out of the way, I do have some redeeming qualities!

*I am beautiful, intelligent, educated and articulate. You can be assured that all of your family and friends will envy you for having such a wonderful girlfriend. I am definitely the girl you can bring home to mom. You and only you will know of my dichonomy and my psychotic antics when we are alone.

*I can cook a mean steak.

*When I am happy, {which is a good portion of the time} you will feel like the most amazing man alive and the center of my universe.

*I am artistically gifted.

*I have a stable and lucrative career.

*I make friends with everyone, including homeless people and vicious dogs. I take bugs out of my house and let them go.

As mentioned, I am extremely charismatic and you will be unable to resist my charms. I guarantee you will fall in madly and twistedly love with me, and although you know that I will ultimately leave you in an emotional bloody shredded heap in pursuit of my own needs, you will be unwilling and unable to exorcise me from your life, so serious replies only, please.

P.S.- Please be an animal lover. If you are not, then I am not the girl for you.



Posted by Jerry on 2009-01-31 18:16:22
THIS is exactly what I'm talkin' about. Yep, right here:


Name: (change name for anonymous posting)

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