Sports Fan Pays For Team Spirit With Testicles

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[Mean People]
Some people take college football rivalries pretty seriously. Aggressive trash talking or some mild vandalism are not uncommon when some see the colors of their school's hated rival. Some folks, however, are so serious they'll literally tear your balls off.

Fully-testicled Oklahoma City man Brian Thomas walked into a bar wearing a t-shirt supporting (NOT Osama bin Laden or gay marriage) the Texas Longhorns, hated rivals of the Oklahoma Sooners, and quickly started receiving some hostile talk from other Sooner-loving patrons. Eventually Brian realized this might not be the place for him, paid his tab, and went to leave. That's when Allen Beckett allegedly approached Mr. Thomas, grabbed his crotch, and took him to the floor. After the two were separated, Brian looked down and could see (brace yourselves, boys), "both of his testicles hanging on the outside of his body," according to Thomas' attorney. The injury, which makes me want to say soothing words to my crotch just thinking about it, required 60 stitches to put Thomas' eggs back in his basket. Beckett of course denies the allegations and says that the testicular assault was merely self-defense after Thomas got aggressive. Becket is a church deacon ("If your right ball causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away!"), a federal auditor (and so was quickly able to determine Thomas was two testicles in the red), and a former Army combat veteran. Of course, NEITHER of the two men actually WENT to either of the schools that almost cost one of them his family jewels and may cost the other his freedom. Some question if the case will get a fair shake in a location so permeated with school spirit.




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