World's Funniest Amazon.com Product Reviews

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Since we have nothing better to do, and I'm sure a cure for cancer is on the way, and our country's democratic process is in perfect health, we here at BSA decided we could afford a more fruitless pursuit for your pleasure. We scoured Amazon.com for funny, humorous and amusing product reviews...

Cuisinart DGB-600BC Grind and Brew Coffee maker:

This coffee-maker does so much! It makes weak, watery coffee! It grinds beans if you want it to! It inexplicably floods the entire counter with half-brewed coffee when you aren't looking! Perhaps it could be used to irrigate crops... It is time-consuming to clean, but in fairness I should also point out that the stainless-steel thermal carafe is a durable item that has withstood being hurled onto the floor in rage several times. And if all these features weren't enough, it's pretty expensive too. If faced with the choice between having a car door repeatedly slamming into my genitalia and buying this coffee-maker, I'd unhesitatingly choose the Cuisinart! The coffee would be lousy, but at least I could still have children...


Artificial insemination kit for cats

"Nothing but the best!" is our motto when it comes to Fluffy, our long-haired tasmanian cat. We decided that it would be cruel and inhumane to subject her to "molestation" by an unfamiliar tom-cat, so we decided to use the artifical insemination method instead.

We arranged with a local breeder to obtain some high quality DNA for breeding and we carefully read the instructions and prepared for the big event. We even bought fluffy her favorite kitty food and let her have a little wine before we began the procedure.

Well, four bandaids, a tetanus shot and a dozen "Missing Cat" signs posted in the neighborhood and our family is back to normal. Turns out Fluffy is a BOY CAT. Who knew?

We are selling the Artificial Insemination Kit on Amazon as "slightly used" so if you are looking for one, check there for a bargain!


Christian heavy metal band, Stryper's Greatest Hits

This is truly a sign of the end times. The Four Bee-keepers of the Apocalypse have returned to spread the gospel of non-demonic...I mean non-denominational rock and roll. I can't believe these guys still bother when their own people think they're possessed by Ozzy Osbourne. Or is it Marilyn Manson this decade? At any rate, this'll at least give Eminem some fodder for future lyrics.
**

Stryper are easily the worst thing ever to happen to hair metal. Hair metal, for you idiots who don't know, was a more pop-friendly revolution that ran throughout the entire decade of the 80's and ended early into the 90's (around 1992). It was led by bands like Motley Crue, Ratt, and Dokken. It's popularity rose to the point that two of heavy metal's stalwarts (Judas Priest and Ozzy) actually made a brief conversion to the genre, and in the late 80's, even Black Metallers Celtic Frost even made a short conversion. However, there was also a band called Stryper. They could have been an incredible band, had the following NOT been involved in their band:
1. A singer with a voice resembling a chorus of whining infants.
2. The fusion of heavy metal with strong Christian beliefs.
3. Throwing BIBLES to their audience members (?)
**
Stryper...eek. They are just plain terrible. My friend was at a concert and when they threw the bibles out at the audience one hit her on the head. They also made my friends two year old daughter cry...how Godly is that?


What's a review without covering the best-selling book in the world? The Holy Bible

The Holy Bible tells the story of, well, everything. It begins with the creation of All That Is, and ends with Judgment Day (though it's pretty different from the one they showed in "Terminator 2"). It's split into two parts, one old and one new. This makes it easier to get through, sort of like "Lord of the Rings" or "Harry Potter" books. There's all sorts of numbers to help you keep track of where you are, so you don't have to worry about a bookmark.

The main character in the story is God, who made Earth and stuff. He sets a bunch of rules that he wants people to follow. At first, all the Angels do what he tells `em, but one gets fed up and quits. He is punished to Hell (it's a real place, not a cuss word) and turns into Stan, which is a pretty cool part.

God next creates the first people, Adam & Eve (who have a catalog named after them now. Have you seen it? It's awesome). They live in a garden and are all happy and such until Eve screws up and they get evicted. Same kinda thing happened to my brother and his girlfriend.

You also meet God's son Jesus, who comes from above and lives with human parents. He goes around helping people, which is cool. Come to think of it, whoever wrote the Bible should sue the guys who make that show "Smallville." It's a total rip. Whatever. Anyhow, Jesus tries to be a teacher and show the world how to be good, but then bad guys show up and pound on him. If you want, you can see that in Mel Gibson's last movie, but it's pretty brutal. I don't want to give away the ending, but in the book Jesus comes back to life to save the day. He rocks.

There's tons of other great characters, like: Job (I'd love to know what his first name is), Noah, Lot, Lot's Wife, Zeus, Hermaphrodite, and the Four Horsemen of Calypso.

Overall, I'd say the Holy Bible is defenitely worth reading. It's really long and has some slow parts, but I liked it alot better than "Ethan Frome."

Cool trivia: the Holy Bible is the basis of Christianity, one of the world's most popular religions!
***
Looking for a spooky tale to curl up to this Halloween season? Is there a glaring gap between your Stephen King and Anne Rice books on the shelf? Here's the perfect horror novel to plug it with!

A supernatural thriller to the core, the monster in this book will thrill and chill you! A demonic entity named Yahweh sets humanity up with the perfect trap: the Tree of Life. Knowing they'll eat the otherwise purposeless fruit, he slaps them with a generational curse that binds them to his malevolent will! What follows is the most twisted tale of evil ever written! Yahweh, egotistical and ragingly jealous, uses those under his control to rape and pillage cultures that don't worship him. Men, women and animals alike were slain in these bloodthirsty raids. The only hope you had was being a virgin woman whom Yahweh encourages to be conquested [Deuteronomy 21:10-13], [Deuteronomy 20:13-16].

If you have a hard time reading about cruel animal and human sacrifices, perverted sexual references and the murder and abuse of children I suggest not picking this up. This is a true tale of horror and our villian is far from tactful! However, Yahweh's not a transparent, homocidal manaic. To be so would be far too predictable and I commend the author on his skillful character development. What makes Yahweh so fiendish is that he commits his violent acts under the veneer of love! To fool humanity futher he sent down a hippy version of himself and later set that person up to die, quenching his bloodlust once again. But, that's not where the horror ends! I hate to give away the ending but it's far too devious to go unmentioned! In the end his cult followers will be sucked into an alternative dimension where they will toil and praise his ego to neverending extents. Those who choose not to accept his conditional, unconditional love will find themselves in a sadistic torture pit of his making.

What's really neat about this work of fiction is you don't even have to pay for it! There's many fan bases out there that will happily provide you with a copy!
***
If I could bring 10 books to a desert island, I'd bring 10 copies of the bible. It is just that good.
***
This book is the product of a severely diseased mind. Every human perversion and psychosis is analyzed in depth. From all shades of prejudice, to sadism and incest, the worst of the human condition is proudly on display, married to a forceful ignorance which concludes that

1. All homosexuals should be executed
2. Blacks are merely slightly evolved monkeys
3. Women are responsible for all human sin and weakness
4. The world is a 6000 year old floating disk around which sea monsters patrol. (Various copies of this book omit this statement, as it was proven wrong in the late 15th Century. Unfortunately for the faithful, this book is the inspired word of their invisble friend who lives in the sky, whom they call "God". This God is incapable of speaking anything but the truth. Thus to omit or change any statement from the original bible is to move against God, and imply that he is capable of being wrong, which throws the whole text out the window.)
5. A man named Moses was given a tablet listing ten commandments, which govern human morality. Sadly, God is plagarizing the ancient Egyptians and their Book of the Dead here, which had essentially the same list, and was created much earlier than this Judeo-Christian work. A decidedly low blow by God there, as the ancient Egyptians never had the Book of the Dead copyrighted, and cannot sue him.

Please do the right thing and burn any copies of this book which you encounter, to inhibit the spread of this idealogical cancer. And if you ever encounter someone who actually believes the depravities and impossibilities listed in this text, please beat them about the head with a large, blunt instrument repeatedly until they come to their senses. Think of it as your Christian duty.
***
Finally, I offer a closing warning in regards to the reading of this work, which has been known to cause confusion, self-loathing, feelings of worthlessness, erratic behavior, delusions of grandeur and extreme violence in its readers, proceed only if in sound mental health.
***
God sure sounds unhappy. Maybe he should seek professional help for his anger. Hell, it worked for me.



What Would Buddha Do?:

The rhetorical question, What would Jesus do, had youngsters America over confused. Faced with the difficult choice of playing video games or doing their homework a child need only to glance down at their WWJD bracelet...and be even more confused. Since there was neither video games nor homework in Jesus' day, how do I truly know which he would choose? A too literal reading of the question WWJD? would lead to the answer: Be a carpenter, be the Messiah, preach in the temple, gather disciples, heal the lame, walk on water, and eventually be crucified by the Roman legions. This is asking way too much of our kids!



Denon $500 audio cable:

Who would pay $451 for an audio cable? Obviously someone who is an audiophile, and recognizes what such a component can do for ones' sound:


A caution to people buying these: if you do not follow the "directional markings" on the cables, your music will play backwards. Please check that before mentioning it in your reviews.

I was disappointed. I consider myself an audiophile - I regularly spend over $1000 on cables to get the ultimate sound. I keep my music-listening room in a Faraday cage to prevent any interference that could alter my music-listening experience. Sending any signal down ordinary copper can degrade the signal considerably. While ordinary listeners might not notice, to somebody with even a rudimentary knowledge of sound, the artifacts are glaring. Denon should have used silver wiring (hermetically sealed inside the rubber sheath to prevent any tarnishing, of course), which has a significantly higher conductivity than copper. Furthermore, Denon needs to treat the wires they use in the cable with a polarity inductor to ensure minimal phase variance.
***
This cable does allow for incredible sound. However, I believe a possible side-effect from the use of this cable has not been noted by the manufacturers. Upon playing Prince's "Kiss" my speakers ... how should I put this? ... Well, I think they ... climaxed.

That's not the end of it. Oh, no. My stereo system is now sentient. And horny. Not one of my other appliances has warranty coverage for ... well ... the kind of 'damage' they are currently receiving.

I'd just unplug the darn thing, but it's developed an ability to arc pure energy when it feels threatened. It took two scorched electricians to figure that out. And, yes, I've already tried flipping the breaker switch. Doesn't work. The power won't go out. I don't understand how the hell it pulled that off.

Please, if anyone has any tips or advice, I'm getting desperate. My living room is some kind of sick, mechanical sex den and it's really freaking me out.
***
On receipt, I promptly installed the Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable in my audio setup, following the provided directional arrows. I fired up my system and installed a few CDs, and to my amazement, the increased data rate and Denon pure signal technology revealed the following:

1) Iron Butterfly's In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, once thought to be 17 minutes, 5 seconds long is, in actuality 18 minutes, 35 seconds in length. In this extended sequence, Doug Ingle and Lee Dorman banter back and forth on whether there a god, and if so, why does he deny his own existence. I also was able to make out a very faint jaw harp solo around 10 minutes in, and the fade-in of a didgeridoo in the closing stanzas.

2) All of Barry White's material was actually sung by a woman. And at least 100 of my friends agree.

3) Although it is believed that the Beatles backmasked secret messages into some of their songs, the high-fidelity provided by the Denon AKDL1 revealed a normal message spanned across the White Album, consisting of Ringo and George reading "The Great Gatsby" using cockney rhyming slang and pig latin.

I am extremely pleased at the quality of these cables, and I would definitely recommend them to my friends, family, pets and complete strangers.
***
If I could use a rusty boxcutter to carve a new orifice in my body that's compatible with this link cable, I would already be doing it. I can just imagine the pure musical goodness that would flow through this cable into the wound and fill me completely -- like white, holy light. Holding this cable in my hands actually makes me feel that much closer to the Lord Jesus Christ. I only make $6.25/hr at Jack In The Box, but I saved up for three months so I could have this cable. It sits in a shrine I constructed next to my futon in Mother's basement.

I only gave it four stars in my review because I can't find music that is worthy enough to flow through this utterly perfect interconnect.



Kid's Pimp Suit Costume (Size:X-small 4-6)

Teaching your children the value of money and business sense is never easy. However, with the introduction of the smaller size pimp suit they can learn how to start their own business without even leaving their own neighbourhood. The people management skills this encourages are a vital start in any young man's life.
***
My son was really set on going as a rapist this last halloween, but we waited too long to get to the costume store and so we were stuck with this or Darth Vader. Once I explained what a pimp does, he chose this one and we couldn't be happier. He wears it around the house all the time! Only downside was that we had to explain to him he couldn't wear blackface that came with the costume because that would be offensive. You would think the company would know not to include that makeup in 2008...
***

This costume has caused our family all sorts of confusion. We dressed up our son in this pimp suit and took him trick-or-treating downtown. It was pretty crowded on the streets and we lost him for a bit, but when we found him and got him home he took off the costume and he had turned into a 40 year old black man with a strut and a disturbing tendency to want to slap around my wife and teenage daughter. I guess it's nice that he doesn't wet the bed anymore, and he says he can find work for our daughter, which is something he has never shown an interest in before, but we don't understand why he keeps wanting to call her Suga Smoov. Was there some sort of chemical in the fabric that we were supposed to wash out? We think perhaps we should have washed the costume before we put it on little Stevie (who insists we now refer to him as "The Hand").




Playmobile security check point play set


I was a little disappointed when I first bought this item, because the functionality is limited. My 5 year old son pointed out that the passenger's shoes cannot be removed. Then, we placed a deadly fingernail file underneath the passenger's scarf, and neither the detector doorway nor the security wand picked it up. My son said "that's the worst security ever!". But it turned out to be okay, because when the passenger got on the Playmobil B757 and tried to hijack it, she was mobbed by a couple of other heroic passengers, who only sustained minor injuries in the scuffle, which were treated at the Playmobil Hospital.

The best thing about this product is that it teaches kids about the realities of living in a high-surveillence society. My son said he wants the Playmobil Neighborhood Surveillence System set for Christmas. I've heard that the CC TV cameras on that thing are pretty worthless in terms of quality and motion detection, so I think I'll get him the Playmobil Abu-Gharib Interogation Set instead (it comes with a cute little memo from George Bush).

***

This toy would be a lot more realistic with about 350 people standing in line for an average of an hour. It still makes a nice set with the interrogation room.

***

I am holding out for the release of the Guantanemo Playset. Hopefully this will come with an extrordinary rendition option.

***

I've heard that they were going to publish a coupon and code, to allow us to buy this for $9.11

***

When I bought this toy, I was looking forward to placing my minority-action figure through the metal detector, and then running the little script I prepared: "Excuse me sir, but you have been 'randomnly' selected for additional scans. Please let us take a sample from your shoe while the computer analyzes findings for any radioactive or biohazardous material".

***

Finally a toy that gets our kids used to living in a police state. Benjamin Franklin said that those who would give up Essential Liberty to purchase a little Temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety. But then again, he lived in France for awhile, so what did he know about anything.

Before this toy came out I was afraid my son would not know how to cope with the new reality of American life; how to prepare him to the future, I was wondering. Boy am I relieved; so many lessons learned! Now he knows that:
1) Some people can make a decent living treating others like cattle, and the best part: the cattle is paying their salaries.
2) You only have the rights that the government gives you; you can move around the country only if you comply with government regulations, no matter how frivolous they might be. No liquid you say? except if in a ziplock bag? Check. Lighter ok because the cigarette lobby fought the no-lighter rule? Swell. All passengers searched but cargo mostly un-scrutinized? No problem.
3) You should always bow to people in uniforms, even though they might be in this job because they could not qualify for police work (because of the rap sheet or the drug abuse).

Unfortunately, this toy comes short in a few areas:
1) It does not show that if you're rich, you don't have to wait in line for hours. If you can travel first class, you get your own fast-track screening. Too bad the terr'ists have plenty of Saudi and Pakistani cash and can easily travel first class should they want to. They should have included another screening set in the box.

***

I purchased this product (along with the Playmobile ambulance/mass casualty incident set and the Playmobile road construction set) for my five year old son. After a few hours my son asked me why our society was so keen on infringing on the civil liberties of its citizens in the name of safety and security. Like all the other five year olds whose parents purchased this product, he is precocious and wise beyond his years.
I answered that everyone still has the right to walk anywhere in this country, and that everything else is a privilege and not a right. People who voluntarily surrender their freedoms on the altar of personal convenience have no right to complain about it afterwards. My son is now well on his way to becoming an anarchist.

I wish this toy had been around when I was a child so that we might have learned important life lessons rather than the fluffy sugar-coated false utopia of Rainbow Bright and Friends.

Have you found some good ones? Leave a comment with them and the links here and we'll add them.

 

PYRATE
Posted by I Know Things~from youtube on 2008-04-29 12:15:16
These are absolutely hilarious! I especially like the bible ones! ha, yes I shall burn any copy I see!
hotels have one in every room, I think I should burn the bibles and replace them with gospels of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Casio Men's CA53W Databank Calculator Watch
Posted by Jonathan on 2012-05-03 10:08:57
CASIO watches are the best thing that has ever invented. I bought this watch a little less than a month ago and was shocked and awed by the amount of attention I received over it. Before I bought the CASIO CA53W-1 Watch with Calculator I was a nothing, I was no one, no one on my campus recognized me. All of the people I knew were stupid gaming retards, all they cared about was Modern Warfare 2 coming out soon. They were like "Sean come play Modern Warfare with us, it totally is the best game ever. Play Modern Warfare to tune your skills for Modern Warfare 2." and I told them to get some lotion and go into the bathroom because I wasn't playing any more video games, I was becoming a man. The first thing I did was to sell my xbox 360 and all its accessories on craigslist for $150 (I had a lot of stuff), the reason being was that I had an epiphany when they told me to play Modern Warfare with them. The epiphany is: there will always be new video games coming out, most of them aren't worth your time. Anyways so I sold my xbox, and then I got a haircut. Well I got many hairs cut and ended up getting a fashionable haircut like that of Edward Cullen on Twilight. I figure all the girls love him right? They all want to take him into the bathroom without lotion or Maxim, if I look like him, I will get all the babes. I also got a Bowflex PR3000 Home Gym, now I work out 3 times a week and I am totally ripped (well at least I'm ripping). I then purchased this CASIO CA53W-1 Watch with Calculator, the first girl that talked to me about it was Janet, from my circuit analysis class. She told me that she liked my watch, that maybe we should hang out sometime. Janet had always been my dream girl, smart, funny, engineering major, mildly overweight (but in a good way), and she loved CASIO watches. I mean who doesn't right? Well I decided that the first girl that talked to me about my watch was going to be the one. I left circuit analysis class walking next to Janet, my ex-friend Jake from Modern Warfare came up to me and asked if I wanted to play in 20 minutes. I asked him what 7251 times 8 was, he couldn't tell me. I flashed him my CASIO CA53W-1 Watch with Calculator and told him to go into the bathroom with some lotion and a copy of Maxim, he knew immediately that he would never talk to me again. I cannot more highly recommend this watch to anyone, it is comfortable, has a watch, calculator, alarm clock, and most importantly for Janet and I it has a stopwatch.
 

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